I shared the tale of two grown women giggling and calling me a retard because I was flapping my hands and rocking in a craft store on my personal Facebook page and in person to a mental health care provider who is part of a team that works with me. I told this story to others because I am concerned about the effects Trump, who openly mocked a disabled reporter on camera, is going to have on the daily lives of the disabled and how his behavior encourages disrespect and hatred.
The responses I got were both thoroughly underwhelming and deeply distressing.
On Facebook a person I went to high school with but haven’t spoken to in over fifteen years told me to stay positive and not let those people influence me. I made the decision to make the post public because I felt it was an important issue. Someone I don’t know replied “Get the facts – Trump never mocked a disabled person! The pro-abort crowd wants the disabled to be aborted!” This person either doesn’t know or doesn’t care what pro choice people stand for. She seems to think pro choice is the same as eugenics. I refuted her claim about Trump’s behavior with a link to a video of his offensive behavior. She claimed his behavior was “taken out of context”.
I was bothered by these posts more than I was bothered by the actual incident. Not one person said that those women were wrong and hateful. I was having some trouble with my insomnia around the same time as the post and thought that this situation was effecting me more than I realized. So when I had an appointment with a member of my care team I related the story to her. I am the first autistic adult she has worked with and she always asks insightful, honest questions when she doesn’t understand how autism impacts my daily life and behaviors. She asked why I rock and flap. I explained that stimming helps me calm down when overwhelmed and can help provide mental clarity and plays a role in warding off a sensory meltdown.
She made some notes on in my chart and asked “You are aware you do this?”
Of course I am. Sometimes I will being to stim without consciously being aware of it but oftentimes I chose to stim to help myself calm down and feel better. Sometimes I do it just because I like the way it feels.
“If you stop doing it in public people won’t stay these things.”
Her response hurt more than what those women did in the store and the replies on Facebook. I felt a multitude of emotions. Shame, embarrassment, anger, betrayal, and a familiar achingly deep sadness. Here was someone in the mental health field highlighting the gulf that exists between me and neurotypical people. The gulf that will always exist. The gulf I first acutely felt when I was ten years old.
I shared this event in my life because I was concerned about the treatment of peoples with disabilities in this country. At no point did anyone tell me that this was horrible, that those women were horrible, that no one should act the way they did. No one said that their actions were reprehensible. No one stood up for me. Instead, I was told to stay positive, to not let it bother me. Worse, I experienced victim blaming. If I just change myself no one will say horrible things about me. I was bullied and it was my fault. No one even stated the very obvious, that I am not a retard.
I will not change. I will stim whenever and wherever I need or want to. I will not believe that the actions of others are my fault. I have spent too much of my life blaming myself for being bullied. I am not the problem. Two grown women who think they can call someone a retard are the problem. People who do not stand up or even voice support for my right to exist peacefully in society are the problem. Bullies and thugs and those full of hate are the problem. I was verbally attacked and it seems that it matters very little. Fortunately, I have people close to me who love me and were outraged for me. They accept me for who I am.
People often don’t understand why going out in public is so hard for me. The fact that I can and have been verbally attacked for being who I am is enough to make anyone want to stay safe at home.